I may have picked the wrong essay question. I may have picked the wrong essay question as it’s sparked an anger, a sadness and a disonnect within me. I’m not meant to be here, studying at UAL, writing in this blog about all the pretentious art practices. Academia is a disease we use to intellectualise our humanity and place ourselves above others.
When I first started studying sound art, I immedietly felt othered. I felt laughed at by other students for being a DJ and not knowing who John Cage is. Why should I know who John Cage is if his work doesn’t move me. I thought “I’m not meant to be here”. Yet, I persisted. Sound Art also allowed me to view music as fluid, allowed to me rid constraints of “genre” from my mind and work. It allowed me to learn about practices which have made my art more refined, more meaningful. Sound art as an abstractification of the view of sound. That is what sound art means to me. I came to view everything in life through the lens of sound.
I am a thinker, not a doer, not a collator. My mind has become enriched with texts I would have never been exposed to without this course. I still feel like I’m not meant to be here. This isn’t to do with art, this is to do with academia. It takes a PhD to be allowed to be a thinker, up until that level, university is just a task of collating research and applying that to your practices, or expanding knowlege. Which is absolutely a good thing. Until you realise that because of this, the knowledge on this things we might want to learn isn’t available to us. I still feel othered, on this course. Perhaps this is the fault of my delusions, my view of the world is warped. Perhaps I shouldn’t have entered university without sorting this first, but how would I have ever been able to, when the institutional barriers in place to access mental health support are so prominent? My energy is drained and I am weak. I cannot create, I can only see the writing of society in anything I look at. The writing of society is the colonial roots it is built on, how this silences me in asking for any sort of help, and when I finally do, I am failed the access to support.
Perhaps this blog is a plea for help. Perhaps this blog is an excuse for the lack of quality of work I have produced throiughout this unit, and in the course in general.
I am aware that personal nuances aren’t an excuse in a lack of performance within academia. I believe I can channge that though.
I’m not meant to be here. But if I stay here and embrace the richness of knowledge the institution can provide, I will work my way to a PhD, where I will be allowed to think, allowed to theorise, allowed to challenge the institutional barriers that have come to weaken my happiness. I refuse to pause my studies, regardless of the mental challenges and the business of life.
This term I was not able to produce high quality work of passing standard, or on time at all. I am aware I may not pass this year but I need to.